Welcome Back

Hmm, I have no grand revelations. The world as a whole is still basically a crappy mess. The prospective new leaders (presidential candidates) don't really appear to offer all that much hope. Ironically, however, my favorite song at the moment is 'Just Fine'. Well, maybe it will be. One can only hope

I hurt so much, it’s debilitating; an insufferable, unyielding inner pain. I hate deeply. Everything in life fills me with a detestation. People smiling, laughing, loving… it all fills me with a rage. They are all so contemptible. Why don’t I end it? I’ll never find anyone again who will truly understand me and then go on loving me anyway. I’m always going to have this hollowing, a constant bitterness. A loss... the knowledge that I just don’t fit, that I’ll never quite belong and true happiness is always just out of reach. I’m just so tired of the sting, why can’t it just stop. Why can’t I just make it all stop! I need to be a thorn; I use to be such a wonderful thorn, I need desperately to become a thorn again.

The darkness of life is so suffocating. I want to hope for something better, something more. But I don’t see it. I can’t find it, all there is, is sadness...bleak hopelessness. The cake of my life frosted with bitterness and a heaping dose of anger on the side. How did I get here? Can I blame the deprivation of love or is it something more. Something within me, ordained before I ever drew my 1st breath. I wish that I had someone. One special someone, someone to really look at me and say, “Hey, I see you and you matter.” I can’t fully comprehend that, actually mattering to someone. Perhaps that’s what joy is, seeing as how I can’t comprehend that either. I’d give anything to be able to fit in somewhere. To have someone hold me, and just know that finally I had found home. My harbor, safe from the world and all it’s ugliness. There must be others like me. The lonely people out there, like me, that go through life faking the smiles, giving empty chuckles and afraid to wish. Unable to wish because we all know the sad reality that wishing only wounds the heart.

I'm back.

Life at Sunny Post, hasn't been so sunny... so here I am. Once again, in my dark cloud of gloom and despair. Which is pretty much what you've become. My secret little place to go and just rant, cry, scream... despair.

Nothing is as I had expected it to be.
Life keeps going, but my soul remains stalled.
Darkness, cloudy, empty cold spaces my home.
Something is missing, the residence of Fall.

March 29, 2006

Okay, I’m back to this blog for awhile.

Today I feel: Displaced

The weather is: Cloudy, but free from rain!!!

My job is: Fullfilling

My personal life is: A Mystery

My Rant: Well were to begin, as usually people annoy me. This leads me to wonder whether or not I annoy them as well. Okay, that last part isn’t really true. I’m far to self involved to care about whether or not people are pleased with me. So, I suppose I’m part of the societal problem. I find this disturbing, however, because I’m really interested in what goes on in life and how other people are treated. So my self involvement it would seem is somewhat limited. Yea, for me. :o)

Something New...

Nothing this week has really managed to get under my skin, so I have nothing to gripe about. This is actually pretty odd, especially considering the state that the world is in and the direction that the USA is heading on issues like affirmative action and social security. I, of course, have very defined gripes on both of these issues as well as other things going on in the world, but I just don’t feel ‘venty’. So, now I’m perplexed. My plan was to turn my blog into a personal little rant page, but I hadn’t really considered what I’d post when I simply wasn’t in the mood. So, obviously, my page won’t be all about my rants, which in hind site is probably better because it’ll offer more variety. Hmmm, as good as that is, I still have no idea what to post today. *THINKING* I’ll post a favorites and recommendation. Currently, my favorite CD is ‘Wicked’ from the Broadway show. A good Broadway CD, to me, is one that can still tell the entire story with just the songs. Wicked does this beautifully. The lyrics and music are also a lot of fun and find a way of getting into your soul. If you’re an instrument player, the sheet music is also very fun to play and not very difficult (says the medium skilled violin player). So, that’s my recommendation. Oh, and if you’re really feeling ‘splurgy’ (yep, I’m making up words all over in this post) you will definitely want to check out the show. It’s light and airy, an awesome way to escape for a few hours from the realities of life. So there you have ‘scanners’ (people just nexting by, since I’ve given my blog address to no one) my recommendation for the week, the month… maybe the year.. The Wicked CD on sale at no doubt many internet music stores. :o)

Enough is Enough

My gripe for this week isn’t so much a gripe as much as a huge rant. A lot of people around me are dealing with post holiday debt and seeking assistance with bills. This is a big annoyance to me for several reasons. For starters, the holiday season isn’t supposed to be about buying the biggest TV and having millions of presents under the tree. So, why over extend yourself to get a ton of new items that you don’t really need in the 1st place? Some will complain that they want their children to have a nice “Christmas”. Oh my oh, where do I start with that one, there are so many things wrong with that statement. First of all, what kind of message does that send to your children? That in order to have some semblance of joy and goodness they need lots of over priced material items? That the gimmie, gimmie, gimmie attitude is something to be nurtured? So, these depredates buy all these things to give their children a nice holiday, and now the children can’t eat because money bags has no money for food, or the children have to sit in the dark with that new electronic game because mommy and daddy can’t afford to pay the light bill. Now for the fun part, these irresponsible managers of money come begging, because they know that we the money wise can manage our money. And out of guilt or trappings of family loyalty we reach into our wallets and loan out money that we are fairly certain we’ll never see again because these people never have the money to repay the loan, despite having just bought some other elaborate item. Well I say no more! I’m fed up with having to dig into my wallet to aid those who are incapable of being responsible with their own dollars. I don’t really see why people want to call you names for finally refusing to bail their butts out, when better planning on their end would have prevented the whole situation. So, if you are one these people who can’t manage your money, I offer this advice to you (as my wallet is permanently closed). Finance charges are evil and if you are paying them then that great you just had to take advantage of is no longer a great deal. So, just don’t buy it! Any credit card debt that can’t be paid off when the bill arrives is something that should never have been purchased in the 1st place. And finally, start your own rainy day fund, it doesn’t take much, just put away one hour of your work pay each week and don’t touch it. But most importantly stop looking to others to bail you out and talking about them when they don’t. They didn’t get you into the predicament so you really shouldn’t just expect that they should have to get you out.